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from Lenore

The AI portraits have been all over TikTok, and most of them that I've seen are beautiful. And I've really wanted to try it. Just in general I don't really have a lot of pictures of myself, and even fewer where I feel pretty, and it would be nice to feel pretty. I'd like to have some of those beautiful portraits of myself to use on social media or for whatever else, or just to have.

However.

I understand that there is a not insignificant ethical issue when it comes to things like that. For one, there's the whole stolen art thing. I would be using AI to create portraits, and then using those for my own vanity, without any means of crediting the people actually responsible for the art behind it.

There's the issue of feeding pictures into AI for facial recognition, which just feels kind of icky, just in general.

It all feels kind of cold. Yes the pictures are beautiful, and it's impressive, and from a technology standpoint this is really cool. But the beauty of art is the humanity in it. And while out of vanity I would really like to have the pretty pictures, it just feels wrong to me.

So I'll probably just stick to enjoying the ones that other people make.

 
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from memorandom

Pretty wild concept huh. The virtual equivalent of like... dropping pamphlets in your area and then I guess people get really excited about your pamphlet and they make copies and hand those copies out to their friends, and also I guess sometimes you have a pamphlet mailing list.

My metaphor fell apart very, very quickly.

But my point remains: The fact that just the concept of “posting” is a thing. And we can just... do that.

We just do that now, I guess.

aaaannd post!

#jot

 
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from Lenore

I suppose the first post should probably be some manner of introduction. Well, hello.

The whole Lenore thing I pulled from a few different places. Edger Allen Poe of course, but not exactly for a straight forward reason. Like how in Ever After, Danielle's father gives her Utopia, and it's the last book he gives her before he dies, the Complete Works of Edger Allen Poe was the last book my father gave me before he died.

Also, I really enjoy Roman Dirge's Lenore comic.

As for a theme for this fun little blog... There probably won't be one. I've tried writing a blog following a theme, and it doesn't seem to work out too terribly well for me. So we'll see where this goes.

It'll be a fun little adventure.

 
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from Poetry

Cabin in the Woods

Waking to bacon sizzling Brisk mornings spent splitting logs Returning to the warm cabin’s embrace Oh, how I miss those morning in the cabin Always being a comforting face

Afternoons and nights spent talking Dinners of fried chicken and potato salad Oh, how I miss those nights in the cabin The birds singing their ballad

A visit once a year, never enough Oh, how I miss the cabin in the woods Losing it will always be rough

 
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from Overthinkification

Some rushed thoughts on...

Making Arguments

As people, we are prone to many fallacies all over the place. One of which is putting logic above all else.

We tell ourselves “If I just think through the problem enough, I can seal every foreseeable hole and 'win'the argument.”

That's highly unlikely, for two notable reasons:

1) While good at forming arguments, we do not possess the omnipotence to really see every conceivable aspect of an issue at once. The world is huge and complicated and chock-full of grey areas to work around.

2) People are NOT creatures of pure logic. We are emotional animals, which means we can bear the most amazing, well thought out, air tight argument the world has ever known, and STILL reject it just because of feelings.

Given these realities, it might add some perspective as to why it's a Herculean task to change someone's mind. And I fear the only advice I can offer is to try to appeal to all parts of a person. Connect on their level, as best as possible, to see what feelings fuel some of their beliefs, and maybe address them if you can.

 
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from memorandom

Monday mornings are rough and made worse by getting spun back up on everything I was doing last week and getting out of the whole “weekend context” or mindset or whatever you wanna call it.

In an attempt to lessen the impact of the first day of the work week, I'm trying to take a big of a slower approach to getting set up in the morning. Quite literally taking things one step at a time: just opening one application or website, catching up on that stuff, taking a sip of coffee and looking out the window for a moment, then moving on to the next.

Doing this instead of opening up everything and diving into the barrage of missed messages and whatnot has made for a much nicer way to get started in the morning.

Anyway, good morning. This was a stop along my way.

Time for a sip of coffee.

Also, abolish the 40 hour workweek.

#work #personal

 
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from The Messy Table

I was a bright kid growing up. I have talked about this briefly in my introductions, and it's said with not much pride. It was only helping me in the short run of school which grew more and more difficult to navigate using innate talents alone. By the time my innate talent ran out of proper capacity to deal with my problems, I had not learned how to deal with failures of any kind. It was one of the main triggers of my anger issues.

I was so used to being independent and capable that even the thought of failure can induce a level of anxiety that incapacitate me. Life grew more and more frustrating as I walk through life I start making excuses and finding faults in everything else but myself. Either that or I start going hard in the opposite direction and beat myself up and curse myself for every single tiny flaw and even forecasted a dark and dreadful future for myself due to my incompetence.

It got to a point where I couldn't enjoy the stuff I used to love in the past, like sketching. Everything I do often becomes a question of “Will this help me succeed in the future?” so even a simple sketch becomes an object of critique. It got so bad because I couldn't even properly define what “success” meant for me. Maybe it was financially? maybe it was other societal expectations? religious goals? It all blends into one simple horrible sentiment. It doesn't matter since I'm failing at every single one of those and probably any other metric I forgot to mention.

I think I managed to properly convey how horrible of a relationship I have with failure. But, I had an interesting thought that can hopefully steer this post in a more positive direction. I want to talk about curiosity and how it's related to the concept of failure. Curiosity is a positive emotional response to failure and incompetence, while its negative counterpart is shame or insecurity.

Think about it for a second, one of the defining characteristics of children is that they are curious. They have always been that way and that is what drives them to learn about all things in their developing years. They learned how to do things like walk and talk because they are curious. Curious about how the people around them can do things they can't. And so their curiosity drove them to try again and again and again. They take their time and they keep at it with no regard for how many times they failed. It is because they had no prior concept of shame or insecurity. They just know that it's possible since people around them can do it too, even though they themselves can't do the thing just yet.

Curiosity is one of the most precious traits of humankind. It is the driving force of human progress, be it as a whole species/society or as individuals. And it is eroded by shame and insecurity. The more we shame those who are incapable or incompetent, the less likely they are to be curious or to keep trying to reach any goal. Thus, I think the world would be a better place if we learn to cultivate curiosity and penalize shaming people that aren't yet capable of something.

As a burnt-out grown-up gifted child, I have a terrible relationship with failure. It made me take years to realize that failure isn't the end of the journey, it is the beginning of it. It is a marker on the side of the street saying that there is more road ahead of you. Thus, you should continue the journey ahead.

And remember that the journey is not a race, let alone a sprint. It is a marathon at best, though it's more enjoyable to treat it as just a leisurely stroll. Enjoy every step and see where the road takes you. Until then, safe travels and be well.

Yours Truly, Singodimejo

 
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from Overthinkification

An examination of...

Telling Our Own Stories

Most everyone in my circle of engagement have felt, at one point or another, like everything wrong in the world is because of themselves

I'm certainly not exception. I've spent large swaths of my life in that mode. Perhaps there's a reason. And no, it's not because I was right.

The world is large. Like, incomprehensibly large. No matter how much we quantify it, we are physically incapable of taking it all in. Just imagine a highschool gym full of people. You could count them easy enough. But now imagine knowing the entire movie length film of a story that is every single person's life. Keeping up with Marvel films was hard enough, there's no way I'm keeping up with a thousand stories, or even a few hundred.

And then consider there's (approximately) 8 billion people

Read that again.

You can digest the word 'billion' easy enough. You can write out enough 0's in a couple seconds to represent it. But truly experiencing a Billion is a tremendous feat.

Cool, what's that matter?

Well, that many people is a single facet to the absolute chaos that is our reality. Hundreds, thousands, or billions of billions of interactions and reactions causing the world we see it as it is now, and driving it forward. Yet, our minds have another interesting quirk.

Story telling.

For whatever reason, our minds are inescapably geared to telling stories. Your life is a story, casting yourself as the main character. And if you think back on your favorite, most impactful stories, there's bound to be at least one thing they have in common: actions of agency lead to consequential outcomes.

Whether that's a villain hero making a choice to be evil and causing a hero to rise, or the protagonist deciding to help or abandon a friend, it all boils down to this deeply ingrained concept that characters have agency on the world around them.

Western culture has played a big hand in driving this concept deeper into our psyche. Narratives like “You reap what you sow” bely the nature of our existence; suggesting one that is purely built by one's own actions.

So we tell ourselves stories in which everything revolves around our own decisions. And then we find ourselves in deeply uncomfortable, painful, or traumatizing situations. And our culture is quick to victim blame. So we “logically” run through all the available options we have for ourselves. Maybe we even run through trying most of them to no avail. Given the framework of our life, we are left to a singular, undeniable fact: if I cannot act my way out of this struggle, then I, as a person in their entirety, must be the problem.

If you've read this far, perhaps I don't need to tell you, it's not true. And very likely, you can acknowledge that truth on a cognitive level. But not emotionally. We can't rationalize and argue with that part of our brain. We need to comfort and nurture that part like an emotional child. And part of that starts with gently reminding yourself the narrative you have been raised in is wrong.

It's time to start rewriting our stories.

 
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from The Messy Table

I have an odd fascination with the concept of stories and narrative. I believe it is one of the most profound aspects of the human experience. Even dating back centuries or millenniums back, our species has a deep connection to stories. It might be as ancient as the discovery of fire itself, if not older. So I find it fitting that the community I find most comfortable after a long search ends up being an astral campground by the great and mysterious Campfire. A truly fitting place to create and share stories.

We humans (and other sentient beings) love our silly little tales. We spun them to explain how the world works, to teach our younglings, to connect with others, to give a sense of comfort, and to inspire or entertain. It is such a versatile tool that we have also used it for malice, to deceive, to scare, to hurt, and to start conflicts. No matter what you believe in or know, your lives are intertwined with narratives.

For the longest time, I find comfort and joy in paying attention to the stories of others. Their joys and sorrows, laughs and tears, and moments of tranquility or chaos. I have watched from the sideline as a spectator, mostly ignoring my own story. However, That couldn't last long since I am running out of paths I could walk ignorantly. I had to start taking control of my story. And it is terrifying, yet exciting. I wish I can write a story worth telling before my time expires.

I just had to get this thought out there in the world and this has been my subconscious view of the world I've come to establish for myself over the years. I will reiterate or elaborate on this idea again in the future, but for now, that should suffice. Let me leave you with a few little thoughts before I leave you to your day again.

How'd you like your life's story so far? Do you feel like you're in control of it? And would you like to keep it that way?

Do share your thoughts with me if you feel like it and until next time, be well my friend.

Yours Truly, Singodimejo

 
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from memorandom

I started taking medication for depression and anxiety this year. I'm in a really great place now, but it got pretty bad for a minute there. I didn't realize just how far I had fallen, and I had spent months telling myself that it was just “passing sadness” or “minor burnout” and that I didn't have the right to call it “depression.”

It was a strange place to be in. It wasn't that I didn't believe mental health disorders existed. Quite the opposite—I knew they were real and sympathized with folks who were struggling, but never even considered I could be suffering, too. I didn't want to label myself as “having depression” because I didn't feel like I had... earned it? Like I knew how much other people were struggling and I didn't want to seem like I was making my own problems heard “over” theirs. I didn't feel like I had the right to call it what it was. I didn't want to cross that line, as I had spent so long building up how other people must feel in my head, almost as if it were myself trying to justify why I shouldn't think about it further.

That was very much the wrong call. It meant that my situation had to deteriorate to an extreme before I even acknowledged how bad it really was.

Things are going very well now so that's good. But like. Dang.

Take a beat and listen to your body. And give yourself a break while you do so.

 
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from Overthinkification

On the matter of...

Blog Names

Names are a funny thing. Knowing one commands a tremendous power over a thing, yet are easily forgotten like yesterday's lunch. They can be an incantation, magically summoning a person to your presence; or a psychological spell to trigger thoughts, memories and associations in someone else's mind. Their power can be used, twisted and manipulated into something a bit more sinister: a brand.

Everything and everyone seems to be reduced to a brand these days. And the cornerstone of any noteworthy brand is, of course, a name. Something catchy, something memorable. It needs to roll off the tongue and give some sense of what the brand is even about.

All of which brings us to the matter of this blog. I don't even know for sure what I will do with it. I do know I have thoughts that, to put it lightly, bore the snot out of most people. Maybe it's a pointless level of nuance on a subject or treading the same tired pontification. So what better than to stick those thoughts into the galactic dumpster of cyber space known as the Internet.

And for a name? I'm sure I could spin my cognitive tires for weeks thinking of the “perfect” summation of intended direction, but fuck it.

Overthinkification.

I'm sure it has elements I'm looking for. Maybe you can tell me what it means to you. In the meantime, welcome to my broken brain.

 
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from The Messy Table

A Tale Behind The Name

Greetings! I am Pangkualam Singodimejo. It is a name I chose for my online persona, crafted through luck, vibes, and half-ass research on the internet. Truly a name fitting for me.

It is written in my native tongue, with vague meanings that I am not sure actually exist. “Pangkualam” is supposed to be a name that describes a person of brilliant and creative nature. It is an old custom where I live to name one's child with a prayer for the future of the child. Thus, this is my prayer for my own future. This part of the name is the one I claimed for myself rather recently. And it is the part I researched very lazily.

For a long time, I've taken the name “Singodimejo” for my outward-facing persona on the internet. It is actually stolen from another person. I've come across the name because there was a foreigner in my Silat dojo back in my high school days who took a native name and made a book. I loved the sound of the name and how silly the literal meaning is. “Singodimejo” is a word made out of the sentence “Singo di mejo”. “Singo” means Lion, “di mejo” means on a table. It literally translates to just Lion on a table. I find it hilarious and decided to take the name for myself.

Thus, Pangkualam Singodimejo was born. moving forward, I plan to use this pseudonym on anything I create for the public. Though it is such a native-sounding name, I won't be doing any native cultural content. I just created it that way to remind myself of my roots, my prayer, and my silly nature.


A Brief Personal History

I have been alive on this earth for at least 23 years. It is a rather colorful journey so far. I am the first child in a family of 5 and grew up in a middle-class family in a third-world country. According to my mother, she had suspected that I could be autistic as a child but was scared to go to a psychologist to confirm. I only tried to take the self-evaluation test recently and it seemed to line up somewhat. I try not to dive head-first into that assumption since it didn't really affect my life unreasonably. Though if we're going by the TikTok algorithm, I might also have ADHD which isn't far-fetched considering what I've read about it and how it compares to my personal experiences.

I grew up a Muslim, yet I've personally struggled with faith these days. One of the main reasons was because due to the terrorist scares back in 2012(?) I was bullied because my parents were devout believers and dressed like the depictions of terrorists in the news. The bullying left a mental scar and I unconsciously hid my faith from the world. I am currently trying to reconnect with my faith but it is a struggle. I do keep the general ideas from my religion such as being kind as an integral part of my conduct. I am making efforts to be a better person in general and personally, I believe religion should play a part in my efforts.

I wasn't really aware of any personal traits or hobbies I've had since I've just been living my life in a passive manner trying to please the people around me. The fatigue finally caught up to me and I finally tried to be more aware of my own needs and wants. I always had a fascination with creating something. I've doodled A LOT in my school days which slowly faded away but I've made efforts to come back to it. I also find incredible comfort in writing, though I often find that I don't have much to say and I also critique myself way too much over my writing. And only recently I found out that I enjoy tinkering with technologies like the web, servers, and other stuff.

I haven't had the time to explore any of those interests further due to my college tasks ramping up in my (hopefully) last year. I took a bachelor's program in Mechanical Engineering, though the choice was not properly made in my opinion. I had no interest nor much prior knowledge in engineering, though science and particularly physics was my strong subject in school and my father was also a mechanical engineering graduate. The decision was too logical with no consideration for my personal interests or goals. All I thought about back then was finding a program with a lot of future prospects. No idea why I needed that. It was probably mostly social expectations.

I've learned that I was lucky to be raised with kind values, and I will forever be grateful to my parents for that. But I've also learned the hard way that I need to value myself just as much and treat myself with just as much kindness as I've extended to other people. I just hope I'll find that balance someday


A Future to Pursue

Now that you've heard of my past, let me share what I want for my future. As I've said before, I'm currently in my last year in college so I would like to finish it so that I can put it behind me. The degree will be somewhat useful in getting a job should I need it. But what I wanted to do is to spend the time right after college to explore my interests. At least, that was the main plan until I had a serious talk with my partner about our shared future. She's eager to find a way to immigrate so we've been doing research and putting efforts into it.

I do want to still develop my coding skill to a point where I can use those skills to get paid. Preferably through a more independent framework such as freelancing. I also want to write and draw more. I just have to do all that while not being idle and jobless. Fortunately, even now I've already had a few connections and possible prospects of work from a business partly owned by my father. I get that it's technically nepotism, but in this economy, you take what you can get, am I right?

For my coding, I want to be able to create my own websites and web-based applications, meaning I want to become a full-stack web developer. I know it's not the most efficient way to go about it and most people would recommend focusing on either the front-end or back-end. But I really want to just be able to create my own thing, I'm not aiming to be able to create the next TikTok or something. I just want enough proficiency to make stuff on the internet for a person or a small business. Because the internet is amazing and I want to help people make the most out of it.

For my drawings, I want to be good enough to draw and design characters. I want to also be able to draw illustrations with backgrounds because I have a fantasy world I want to flesh out both visually and narratively. Therefore I also want to try and write stories and wiki entries for my fantasy world. That is where I want most of my creative energy to go towards. Though I am skeptical if I'll ever share that with the world. This project will take time and I still have no solid idea of how I will present this world of mine to the public. But I do want to put more effort into it.

I also want to play more games. I use to love playing games but I never could find the right time for it. And tied to that wish, it is my lifelong dream to have a gaming PC setup. It is just an amazing concept to me, having a really powerful machine that can play amazing games while also able to create them. A PC is a dream of mine and I'll get there one day.

And lastly, I want to make my partner happy by making her wish to immigrate to a different country come true. I don't know what is she searching for out there or what she hates so much about this place but I want to make her happy regardless.

 
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from memorandom

I like that name for a blog title. I have never been very good at actually coming up with a particular theme for a blog. I don't really know why I have to. I used to blog all the time when I was younger, and it really didn't matter if I had a theme or not.

So here I am, taking the same approach I've been trying to use with note-taking: write first, worry about the logistics later.

I think since I am an engineer, I want to make sure that whatever I do is future-proof, rigid, thoughtful, organized, etc. That just ends up keeping me in a stasis where instead of actually doing the thing I wanna do—write—I do anything else.

Anyway, a couple month ago I set up a tumblr and used the name “memorandom” for the blog. Well I like it too much for it to not be the name of my actual main blog, which is my intention for this space. So, I've renamed the tumblr and now this is the cool zone.

So hello! Welcome to memorandom. I'll be posting about everything in particular.

Be well 🕊️

 
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