The Messy Table

One of the things I have struggled with quite a lot in my life is this weird characteristic of “momentum” in my mental state. If I'm motivated by a project, I would literally spend hours grinding my mind and body away until I'm either satisfied my the result or rendered disfunctional by fatigue and/or frustration. However, if by any chanve I give myself some sort of break, I easily slip into a different problem where I give myself more and more leniency to the point of being a no-good bum.

It felt like the famous Sisyphus' curse of moving a boulder up the hill only for it to roll back down right before the task is finished. I can't tell if I'm making much , if any, progress after the dust settles in each attempt. And even if I do make some progress, the mental burden of having to go through the hill multiple times just to make a fraction of an inch of progress in every cycle of attempt can be overwhelming and despair-inducing at times.

This idea of momentum doesn't only happen to general things like achieving life goals or something. It also applies to my day-to-day life where if I'm in the middle of something I'm highly focused kn and I get distracted, I used to often throw tantrums. Well, I've gotten better at managing those tantrums by avoiding being highly invested on things I do. That means I subconsciously avoid doing things I enjoy just because I'm scared of being interrupted and have my mood ruined.

It's illogical and honestly kind of a depressing discovery of my own behavior. I wish I can remedy this particular puzzle of my psyche. In the mean time, be well my friend.