A casual ramble about...


To know me is to know that “being in a bit of a slump” is effectively my natural state of being. I have discussed many times, at exhaustive length, my general malaise toward life; a certain hopelessness about my position. I struggle most every day with finding joy in anything I do. Even the things I tell myself I would love to spend my dwindling free time with have a habit of twisting into acts of despair. In response, on these numerous occasions, my partner has brought up a classic thought experiment:

“If money were no object, what is it you would want to do?”

That's usually where the conversation ends. I have never had a good answer. Maybe I do now. Although, it's not a satisfying one.

I want to fail.

Given the premise, presumably I would be free to pursue anything my heart desires. And while that framing is most often used to break one's preconceived notions of “success” or “what is a proper way of life”, inherent is also the privilege to just try things.

Perhaps that's what I want most. The luxury to throw precious time and expense at a smattering of projects just to see if I like them, if I find them fulfilling, if I can derive a sense of meaning from the experience.

For so long I have found myself in a life that has been dangling by the proverbial thread. There has been little room for errors in expending energy, time and money on frivolous projects that do not actively contribute to the household. It sounds like Nirvana to be given the chance to resurrect the buried forgotten box of dead dreams just to find out they are a poor fit for me; to explore the breadth of long held interests to discover I will never attain mastery of those skills; and to perhaps reclaim a locked away sense of humanity with the glee of a fool who proudly recognizes they know nothing, chases curiosity with reckless abandon, and fails at everything except enlightening their sprit.

What would you do?

Mastodon: @kryptonite@astral.camp